Lately i have been thinking, why does hate exist in our hearts? our hearts are pure and innocent when we were babies. where on earth did this hate come from? these few weeks, i have this hate in my heart, which was to me, a burden to carry. hating something or someone is really really hard for me. i am not a person who hates easily or hate at all to begin with. i might say "i hate you" but usually i don't mean it. but yes, hate was in my mind, body and soul for the pass few weeks.

when you hate, its tough to say or do things naturally in front of them. your mood changes when you are around them, the way you speak, the way your body language is implying. its all very obvious. i have notice that about me. i didn't like myself for it. i told myself i needed to hate but its killing me slowly inside which i realized only a week back. hence i told myself, "Fuck it! Time to drop all this nonsense". when i made that decision, a heart warming feeling came back to me. its so relieving to let go of the hate i have been carrying around.

people always say i am the happy-go-lucky guy around them. the joker, a person whom can be bitched with. what you all don't see is what is inside my head. sometimes my exterior might be all insane and "haha" but what is inside my head, it is unknown to you all. true, sometimes i do let some of you all inside, but what you all think you understand might not be of the same level as what i am feeling. PLS don't get me wrong. i am not complaining, i am really glad i can rant in front of you all, you know who you are, but the degree in which what a person is told and what a person is going through is different.

though i have loads in my head, hate is usually not one of them. that is why i decided to drop the hate. it is too much for me to take at this point. moreover, it is pointless to hate someone, hence the phrase "Hate is for the Weak". why do i say that? people who hate are people who usually don't forgive and forget. they have a small heart and do not want to let anyone in. so they choose an easier path, to continue hating. what they don't know is that it is slowly ruining their lives. forgiving someone is a hard thing to do, especially if you are at the receiving end of it. but if you embrace that feeling and let yourself be free of the hate, trust me, you will feel SO MUCH BETTER.

we are all connected in one way or another. hence if you hate this person, you are "expected" not to be able to mix with their cliques. is it worth it? what if that clique is a really really close friend of yours who chose the other party's side? worth losing that friendship over the feeling of hate? something for you and me to think about.

you know the old saying that goes "Money can't buy you happiness"? basically this post is dedicated to this phrase. but in this materialistic and monetary world, let me tweak this phrase a wee bit. Money CAN buy you happiness, but NOT true happiness. okok. before you argue with me or click the "X" button on the top right corner of your screen, let me explain myself ok? haha.

Happiness is relative and subjective. it depends on the person whether something would make them happy or not. in this 21st century era that we live in, people are more materialistic, in the sense that we have to keep up with the LATEST and BEST technology currently available in the market. when something new comes out, you HAVE to get it. lets take the phone industry for example. you have a perfectly good phone, lets say an iPhone 4. but even before the iPhone 5 is released, you are already dreaming of changing your old phone to the newer version. how is this related to happiness you say?

ok. let me ask you a question. when you get something new, how do you feel? excited, nervous and obviously, HAPPY. that is why i find the old phrase obsolete. But BUt BUT, how long is it before you start drooling about the iPhone 6? which brings me to my next point, money CAN buy you happiness. however, this happiness does not last long. when you see a friend or a colleague getting something new, you would want it. no? you might tell yourself, "i have a perfectly good phone. good for him/her for getting a better one. He/She deserves it". but search yourself deeply, somewhere DEEP DEEEEEEEP inside, you are somewhat jealous. why? because you want it too. so your initial happiness of getting a new phone comes to an end. this is just one way that the happiness money buys you end. you might get bored of your gadget, you might find problems you didnt know about etc, in which this leads to my last point.

true happiness... what on earth is that? i think, if you guys and girls know me well enough, you would know where this post is headed. this is definitely my own perspective but i hope it is also yours. for me, true happiness is when you are able to share your wealth with your family and friends. true happiness is happiness that lasts and gives you fond and wonderful memories to ponder on. yes, i know some of you would say, "if i have money, i would spend it on my family for vacations etc". i believe you and i dont believe you at the same time. i believe you because at that moment those words left your mouth, it is deemed true. i dont believe you, and this is subjective as it depends on the persons' character, is that money changes people in dark dark ways. i know because i have seen it. dont ask me who or how, unimportant. but yea.

as i was saying before i got sidetracked, for me, true happiness is much more important than the happiness money can buy for you. you can have all the wealth in the world; big car, big house. but if you are alone in that big house, ask yourself, would you be happy? and i know there are some skeptics out there that would say "YES, i would be happy living alone". let me know who you are, and i will ask you this question again in 20 years, and we shall see whether your answer would be the same? yes money is important, i am not denying that. it takes you places, but i would give up being wealthy and have an average life with the people i love and adore most anytime and any day of the week. agree or disagree depends on you. i dont judge. just saying.

about a month and a half ago, i noticed Mr Jack Wilshere kept on referring and talking to someone by the name of Jack Marshall on twitter. so i began to wonder who is this guy. when i clicked on his twitter profile, i was shocked. he was this 6 year old boy who was suffering from terminal cancer and brain tumors.

a short insight on this brave boy. he was a normal kid like everybody else. three weeks into his schooling days when he was 4, he became ill and was found to have a tumor in his brain. This young little boy had to endure countless medical procedures including surgeries and chemotherapy for him to heal. unfortunately, in the end, his treatments and diseases has left him with after effects. his brain and hormonal system has been damaged.

This brave and courageous boy fought and fought for his life countless times and pulled through time and time again. whenever i see his mom tweet on his profile, i am AMAZED at how strong a little boy can be. even though he is suffering, he still smiles ALL THE TIME. for me to say i respect this kid is an understatement. sometimes i feel God is really really unfair to do this to little kids but life goes on for him. staying strong everyday. after knowing about him, whenever i want to complain about something, i think about Mr Jack Marshall. then i will shut up because if he can pull through time and time again, why not me/us?

In my heart, he will be known as Jack Marshall, inspirational fighter, and after reading this, i hope he is too, in your hearts. because he DID inspire me in some way and the least i can do is help him and his mom with their effort to raise awareness of brain tumor affecting children. i will post links below of his twitter profile and the webpage for the awareness campaign. come on and join Jack's Army. he needs all the support we can give him.

Jack's twitter: http://twitter.com/#!/Jack_Marshall_
Campaign webpage: http://www.jacksfund.co.uk/Homepage

your life can be depicted as a tree... the trunk being you and the branches being the people you meet... you might be a small tree or you might be a large tree... only you would know... there shouldnt be a need to compare yourself with other trees because big trees might die faster den a smaller tree... the branches, meaning your friendships, are your networks... hence, you will see yourself growing all the time because you would meet loads of people in life...

some branches are strong... they wont break... those are friendships that you care the most about and you know it will last a lifetime... they are firm and will support you when you fall... fallen branches are, obviously, fallen friendships.. whether it came early or late, it just didnt last and it fell off your tree... some branches are weak... they are just hanging in there.. whether or not it will last depends on the might of the wind... if there is no wind, it might mend and stay for a long time... if a strong wind came by, it will definitely drop off...

what i am trying to say is, wind, being conflicts etc, might come and destroy a friendship within your tree... whether you wanna save it or throw it depends on how you deal with the wind... if you just let it be, it will definitely break off... or you can try mending it and see how it goes from there... if you never try, you would never know right?? rather than living in question everyday, why not just face the problems and be done with it... at least you have closure... closure is the very first step to healing in any problems one might face... if you cant find that closure, you will be miserable all your life, wondering of what might have become....

as i have posted in my posts over and over and over again, i believe friendships are forever.. but sometimes things just dont go the way you want it to be... sometimes you find the people you think you know, arent who they are... sometimes you just give up on them... sometimes you just feel like you have wasted enough time on them... and you feel it isnt worth it anymore... hence, the fallen branch..

i know the word above isnt necessarily a word but i dont care... this is my space... lolz... few days ago, my friends and i were talking... and we got into something and my friend suddenly tells me and i quote.. "Penny, you are Godsent. Among all my friends in Penang, i feel you are the most genuine friend i have". of all the things in the world, i would NEVER have thought i would be called genuine... i dont know how they got into this conclusion, but WOW... it got me shedding tears on the inside... i honestly dont know what i did but i am really really appreciative for those comments... it really made my month... lolz...

i dont know.. recently, i feel like i care a bit too much about other people... the wrong people... to the extend that i feel that they are taking advantage of me... it never occurred to me until a friend of mine told me... then it hit me... true?? maybe... but for the past few days, i have been thinking... i wouldnt change who i am... i like who i am.. i care a hell lot about friends, family, work, etc... its like an attribute that is already there... i cant help it... i cant not care.. but i will choose the people whom i care for more from now on... some people just dont deserve it...

maybe that's what my friends saw in me... i genuinely cared for them... i do... some embraced it... some took advantage of it... to me, friends are forever... but some friendships do not last a lifetime... sometimes things just fall apart... its life... we have to live it come whatever may... perseverance and tolerance is usually the key to my strength... what else can i do??

a trait most people think they have, but unfortunately, they dont... equality is the acceptance of whatever, whoever and however a person or a thing might be... no judgements, no questions... in the era we are living in, we are suppose to embrace equality as a normality... however, the world is still very skeptical about equality for all... US is embracing it slowly but steadily... what about Malaysia??

i honestly was APPALLED when i saw a program for Malaysians, who are suspected to be homosexuals, are to attend a sort of straight camp... i dont know if its real or fake but this is ridiculously and utterly WRONG in so many ways... as proven by science, homosexuality is genetic and NOT a personal choice by a person... so WHY in God's name is the government doing this?? if they are doing it?? acceptance of ones' pros and cons is the first step to advancing in this modern world... sorry to say, Malaysia isnt doing so... still old fashioned and narrow minded...

people, especially the government, should realize that people are, who they are because they are created in God's vision... if i am a politician, the first order of business for me is to promote equality in this country because i believe everyone is equal no matter their choice of living, choice of partners etc... an easy task?? i doubt so BUT acceptance is the first step to everything... and i HOPE if u encounter someone who has a different personality or preference than you, you shan't dismiss them because that is just rude and very very inhumane... they are humans with emotions too, you know?? so plsssss... open your minds... be more accepting... it wont hurt you to gain another friend u know... just saying... =)

we all have to go through it... pain and suffering... its just the way of life... but i always take the optimistic side of things whenever i am faced with this problem... i take it as a lesson we have to learn the hard way... no matter how bad we feel, we still have to persevere and endure... not only for yourself, but for your friends and family who care deeply for you... no one has to go through things alone... if u r, find a shoulder u can depend on NOW... or u will feel miserable...

i am saying this because i have a fair share of suffering myself... not to the extend of burning or anything but yea... i have... my family was and is still suffering on the inside... doesnt mean what u dont see does not exist... i may be usually, if not always, witty and insane and laughing but what is going on in my head, u might not know... only a selected few knows what i am going through and i am glad i could share it with them... because if i dont have them, i will literally explode... but through all the problems i have to face with my family for the past 12 years, i believe, has made me a better person today... i cannot believe i am saying this but if i actually went back in time, i WOULD take all the suffering... because i know if i did not go through what i did, i would be a selfish bitch you guys and girls would ignore... trust me, i know...

you may ask me, why do we have to go through this?? this insufferable feeling that does not go away... the pain of a love one leaving you, a breakup etc... if i could answer you that question, i would... but well, life isnt always a bed of roses... there are ups and downs... and i know it is always the climbing back up which is the toughest... but think about it... wouldnt it be worth it to be standing on the peak, peering down at the beautiful scenery from the top?? thats why i say FIGHT... fight, endure and WIN.. because when the feeling of pain and suffering goes away, a better version of yourself is formed... and you would be the one helping others from the very same thing u survived from...

i believe time heals everything... the question is, how long?? we might never know... we watch dramas and movies... they always say the same damn thing... little by little, day by day, the pain would go away... cheesy?? yes... but true... so come now brothers and sisters of mine, lets kick pain and suffering in the ass and continue living happily as God intended for us to be... because it is the good memories that count, no??

take a look around u... not now of course... i presume u r in your rooms, IF u r even reading this post... what i mean is, one of these days, randomly, take a look around u... turn your head 360 degrees and REALLY see... watch... sense... because not everything is what u perceive it is... though usually we take things for granted... a simple example; a wall... what is a wall made of?? bricks and cement, right?? everyone knows that, heck even a 5 year old can tell u that... BUT have u taken into thought the amount of work used to build this wall?? do you know what is the architecture and planning behind the wall making??

to relate to my statement above, we usually take things as it is... but we never actually think deeper to see the wonders that has been provided to us... we only use one sense to do this... sight... we have 5 senses and usually people perceive things by looking and judging... why dont we try incorporating more than one sense into our judgement?? PLS HA... i am not asking you to see some grass and smell it, and later tell me i've seen and smelled grass, cause i will literally slap u... i am talking mostly about judging people... when we see someone, we either find them to be yay or nay... we only see... why dont we try listening before judging?? again, i am not asking you to eavesdrop or anything but yea... get my meaning?? we judge things, in this case people, by the fastest way possible and that is sight... because listening takes time... when we listen, we process den we judge... no??

this does not only apply to people... we should take a look around and be appreciative of what we have, because we could do worse... be happy and learn the art of coping with what we have and live with it... unless u have the need, dont do the deed...

Messengers come in all forms not only human. Sometimes we see a piece of paper on the sidewalk, or catch a glance of a bird out of the side of our eyes, or hear a dog barking. There is meaning in all of it.Today, be aware of all the things you see and hear. Ask yourself what the world is showing you along your path - Ashton Kutcher

i am honestly very appreciative of what i have... i am not the kind of person who is materialistic or that sort... when i look at the friends and family i have, i am happy enough... because i know i love them and they love me... so take a minute and tell your friends and family i love you, whether u wanna call them or say it in your heart... because when u mean it, thats when it truly counts... we dont know when we are going to lose the things we love... so be appreciative...

PS if u get hurt in the process of turning ur head 360 degrees without turning your body, i am not liable for any medication fee or such...

how long has it been blog?? a year and a half?? lolz... just went through my blog and just had the inspiration to write something in here... feels like sinning if i dont... a year and a half is a loooooonggg time... loads have changed since i posted that redundant azman post... lolz...

how big a change u may ask?? well for one, i am in MY LAST SEM... OMG... i swear it seems only yesterday i walked into Sunway University alone and scared... now i am already leaving?? so not ready for the working world... it haunts me... but life goes on, no?? well, no dramas on me to report... i think... stayed clean for 3 years and hopefully more to come... made a LOT of awesome friends/my secondary family here... enjoying my last sem is my main priority for now... and also graduation of course... hahaaha...

another change since the last time is that Danny isnt staying with us anymore.. he is done with his diploma and going off to the UK in August to further his studies... i wish him all the best... besides that, now i am sharing my room with my brother... sad i know... hahaha...

other than that, i have nothing much to write for now... lets see if the blog angel gives me the inspiration to continue writing in my blog... hahaha... until then, u know how to reach me... =)